"And I sit all alone impatiently
Wont you please understand the need in me
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?"
- Ring Ring by ABBA
... sorry, that's my current obsession.
Perhaps it does reflect my mood a little.
Except there's no real target, just the feeling of emptiness I'm so darn familiar with.
Sometimes, I wonder if someone's quietly stealing away my opportunities and my guts, turning me into the person I am today, no guts, no glory.
Obviously, if that was how I thought of my own life, I might well be delusional because, hey, I'm almost solely responsible for turning myself into the human I am today. (Perhaps I'm just being very responsible, or being the unwilling scapegoat of fate.)
My life isn't nearly messed up; it's not messed up. Or maybe it is in a very subliminal way. Or it's not my life that's messed up, but it's me that's messed up. No matter what it is, no matter how much I can't see how I am the cause of everything that goes wrong (maybe it's not so wrong after all but whatever, as long as it doesn't sit right with my intuition it's wrong), it's always my problem because I'm the only one who sees this, and nobody else understands my viewpoint, or if they did, necessarily think it's valid.
People think that my ability to see both sides of most situations is valuable, but every trait in your personality cripples something the same way it boosts something else.
For instance, I really have no stand in most situations. All I ever wanted to do was do things in the most humane and beneficial for one and all. All I ever wanted was to laugh with the whole world and have the whole world laugh with me. All I ever wanted was for people to take off those masks and take a good look: does that face not have eyes, a nose, a mouth and ears like you do? If that sounds specieist, then let me put it this way - every single sentient being you see walking the earth, flying in the skies, swimming in the ocean, river and lake... just put aside your differences and you'll see they're not that different at all.
That's all.