I just want to be an entity of this world. Just what I am. I don't see the point of striving so hard to ace something. There's just no point. One day we're all gonna wake up and know the end is coming. Will all your As and Bs matter? Once you die, everything comes to naught. The board will be zeroed. Someone else will take over the board and start mixing once again.
Life is sorta like an audio tech station. Someone comes and sends stuff to the channels and they play sounds. They might screw up by sending the signals to the wrong inputs. They may have a confusion and patch stuff wrongly. Some can't get out of their situation, and go around in loops. Some like to make a loud statement, causing overload. Some like to keep quiet and abuse the mute buttons too much. Some only want to follow a single path and solos one channel or a few. Others want to take in everything and use up all the channels. Some complicate things and have to use the buses and the aux sends. Others keep it simple and can get by with just some channels.
Sigh. The one thing I always emphasized is, "Like what you do and do what you like". I won't necessarily like what I do and do what I like. But one thing's for sure, I'll always take responsibility for what I do. Bitch as I might, I can never truly attribute my passes or failures to anyone else but me. 'Cause I know I'm the one in control of what I can and can't do, and I don't ever want people to steer me like a vehicle. I'd probably like off-road driving, so don't put me on your paths and expect me to follow.
I'm not really thinking coherently now. Boredom does that to me a lot.
Something else.
I had a dream last night. It was a very very bizarre dream. I dreamt that I was a megaflirt. No joking. I was surrounded by all sorts of people and I was checking everyone out, and everybody whom I checked out were all smitten and wanted a piece of me. They worshipped me. They wanted me. They loved me and wanted no one else to be with them through everything but me. And each of them could see that they had competition. Each of them stepped up their game. It was a bit scary, but I just felt so high up. The strange thing was I loved every single one of them. I did. I looked into every pair of eyes and felt the same reverence and adoration for every pair. I held every hand and felt the same warm fuzzy feeling. I kissed every cheek and lip and felt the same thrill and passion. But don't get me wrong. It's not at all monotonous. Each and every look, touch and kiss had a distinct feel that told me who I was with for the moment, but the one thing everything had in common was it felt awesome. Something out of this world, something I never had. It's not something platonic and family love can bring. It really isn't. When I finally woke up, I was smiling. My intended mission in life to love and be loved just got clearer. Perhaps that's all I really need.