Eargh. Banned from going out. AGAIN.
Just because:
1. I go out more than once a month?
2. My grandmother is here? (I don't hate her presence or even hate that she's stuffing pillows tomorrow. I just hate that my life has to come to a complete pause. I wouldn't have wanted to desert my grandma for friends, but the way they put it, it's as if I've gone berserk and completely ignored the needs of my family. I HAVE NOT.)
3. It's the same bunch of people? (Is it my fault, or anyone else's, that I have these wonderful friends I can trust and rely on? Is it a problem that we've grown attached to each other? Is it even a crime to want to see them at least once a fortnight? How would you feel if you had to reject your friends, time and time again, just to "be safe and sound" and "be mature and grown-up"? How would you feel if you were one of those friends I have to reject time and time again just so I could keep one side from boiling over another?)
I don't know why life hasn't changed since I became 15. I don't know why, now, I have time, and I am not utilising them the way I want to. Sometimes it's not because I'm lazy. Sometimes it's not even because of me. It's just starting to make me feel like whatever I say is worthless because I am theirs to command, to boss around; I come when I'm called and I leave when I'm sent away. Or rather I never get sent away; I'm just left here to my own devices, except I must follow their rules.
I'm so sorry this sounds so pubescent, but if things haven't changed since you were pubescent I think it's hard for you to not whine over any other issue. I know it sounds so cheesy and dumb and I just sound like a stupid ignorant brat whining my head off and wasting oxygen but, really, I feel like a caged bird. Not just any bird; maybe a worthless little bird that's going to die soon anyway, so the owner chose to cage it up to save the effort of calling the animal police should this bird go missing.
I'm so terribly bored I want to cry. I'm so bored and apathetic of this life that if reincarnation was a certainty, I'll kill myself now. Everyday I wish something will change, so that my life will change too.
Now I see. I see that my parents staying in Tianjin for three years isn't so bad after all. Now I want it to come soon, so I can prove my worth and my standing in this clan. I may be lowly now. I may be worthless now. But give me that chance, oh boy, everyone will be bowing down to me by summer of next year.
I want to leave.
I want to leave.
I want to leave. And live.
You know how leave and live sound kinda alike? They sound alike for a reason. They sound alike because without one, the other will never be. To live you must leave. To leave, you need to live.
I am living right now. Soon, I will be able to leave.