Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Some thoughts to pin down for the moment.

1. I was blog-hopping a while ago and I realise how much progress people have had in their lives when I haven't accomplished anything... yet. Of course a nice long break is nice but you know what I'm like, once we're past the halfway mark I start to get impatient and wish everything was over.

2. I have been posted to Film, Sound and Video at Ngee Ann Poly but I won't know anything else until early April when NP sends me an information package. In the meantime all I do is wait. Wait, wait, and wait until my brains rot and my intelligence fades and all that is left is not even enough to get me through the first module.

3. FSV had better be fun, exciting, useful and enriching, otherwise I'd end up wasting my time. Even after reading through the module synopsis I still can't visualise what will really happen, which I guess can only be understood through first-hand experiences. And I really hope I can survive the course because, what if years and years of mundane toiling in the monotonous academic world has left me devoid of the kind of skills required for the course? What if I'm actually just a stupid idiot who can neither comprehend theories nor carry out practicals? Could it be that I am just a wastrel of the earth, stuck in her own world of imagined drama and surrealist dreams? What if one day I meet with so much opposition from the people around me that I end up being unable to do what I want to do? Do you know I have a feeling that one day I might fall out with my family because there are too many things I want to do, most of which are in direct conflict with their mindset and values? If you were a traditionalist, will you ever want a daughter who likes tattoos, loves music, wants to play in a rock band, dreams of a career in almost everything music, theatre, film and art, who would kill to get tattooed by Chris Garver or Kat von D, who'd die to be on the road, who'd do anything for canvas, paints and an easel, who wants to do what she likes and not what she's told? Do you know I will not care to stay in this damned country? Do you know that there's really nowhere I want to be at all? I just want to exist. Just be.

4. A part of me wishes I could be sharper, quicker, more ruthless and less sensitive. Then I can tell everybody the truth about them and me. I want to address all the mistakes I spot in others and stop them from repeating. I want them to realise they are wrong. I want them to know I am right. All the time. Everytime I think I'm wrong, it's just not true. The way everything is; the way they act; the way they talk and behave and think, they are all wrong. Their ideas are so warped, so full of prejudice that I wish to be the bad guy that exposes all their crime to the world, make them repent and change. Even if it means they will hate me. I wish I didn't care if people hated me. But unfortunately,

I care when people hate me, I care when people talk about me, I care when I don't look my best, I care when I say something wrong, I care when people say something wrong, I care when they hate what I like, I care when they like what I hate, I care, I care, oh man do I really care!

And yet,

I don't care when circumstances are right. I don't care if you diss me superficially, I don't care when you make ungrounded claims about what I like and what I hate, I don't care if I look ugly to you as long as I think I look awesome, I don't care, I don't care, oh I don't bloody care.

5. My joints hurt.