Sunday, December 2, 2007

News and Muse

Good news: Because of all the pipe works right in front of my doorstep (those who don't get it, it's literally at my doorstep - we couldn't park our car in the porch), my noise-and-chaos-phobic grandmother decided to postpone her stay at my house, leaving me more time to clear out my room!

(I admit - like all those pre-O-Levels mugging, I tend to take extra-extra long breaks just to escape the reality of doing it. I can't possibly forget to be lazy in times like this... especially when 'tis the season to be lazy.)

Muses.

1. Once after a whole day at my friend's place for project work I was at the bus-stop waiting in uncertainty for a bus to come, my mum called. I accidentally recorded the entire phone conversation by pressing the camera button on my phone while talking. After that I listened to the entire conversation again I realised I'm such an impatient person. My mother merely asked things like, "Is there a direct bus home?", "You're gonna get home by yourself right?", "Do you need Dad to come and pick you up?", etc., etc., etc., and I was so impatient I just ended up saying "Mmm. Mmm. MMMMMM.". I used to dismiss her whenever she says, "You young people get so irritated when we ask just one more question." But now I think it's true. I keep the audio file so perhaps it'll be a constant reminder to mind my temper and be a little more patient.

2. Last night's Miami Ink featured a plus-sized model and a man who likes fat women. Being a little on the heavy side myself I always felt the pinch, especially when rotundness is rather uncommon in my family, but after watching them getting tattoos together and listening to what they talked about in the show, I thought - yes - why do people feel negative about fatness? With the exception of some cases, if one is just fat, that's that. People come in all shapes and sizes. As the model puts it, "My tattoo's a pin-up girl, she's beautiful and just happens to be fat!"

3. Even though I have a two or three months ahead of me (I'm not schooling for the first few weeks of 2008), I still feel that time is short... too short for real work that is! Many times I just want to coop myself up at home and play The Sims 2 all day long for six weeks straight. There are times when I wished I could just walk on the street and buy a pair of jeans and a plain grey/brown hoodie without having someone next to me giving his/her piece of mind (i.e, "The price isn't right", "It's made in China", "It looks so boyish", "Are you sure it's worth it", "Who told you to buy stuff here").

4. After I clear out my room I might buy some supplies and live out my dream of being an artist. I've been wanting so badly to be an artist since I was a kid and I picked up a crayon to record a fragment of my imagination for the first time. I want to be a recluse - I don't want people picking on my stuff or praising me to the skies anymore. There's no more truth in them anymore. People lie. They do. I want to approve of myself, I want to accept myself before I put my balls on the table for all to see and judge. Perhaps I could still let the world judge me and try to pick out what they think is shit, but I don't care - I don't want to care - because ultimately, I am answerable to myself and only myself. A country can have laws, but I don't answer to that - I am my own judiciary system and I am my own judge.

5. Likewise, who am I to judge people? I used to have a whole lotta opinions about others and make it a point to tell the world but I stopped publicising most of it already 'cause it's pointless. Ultimately you don't like people because they are who they are and not the things they do.

6. The only one judgement that I still think is dead true and not afraid to say it is people lie. They always lie. They lie so much they've forgotten who they really really are: a speck in the entire galaxy nobody gives a fuck about. I used to wish people would give a fuck about me too, but it's pointless. What else do they do when they give a fuck about you? Nothing. They just stand there and ask you, "Are you quite done? We're busy people with lives to lead. You want fuck, we give fuck. Period." . So I stopped craving for people's attention already, and now I choose to pay attention to myself and not to other people who apparently 'have lives to lead'. If I am in trouble, I'm the real saviour to myself, and no one else.

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind
Why am I searching for perfection
Knowing it's something I won't find

In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I run
Till it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

-Linkin Park: No Roads Left