Monday, December 31, 2007

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way."
- Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities.

Although it was about the French Revolution, I'd say it sums 2007 up pretty well too.

Never had one single year been so turbulent for me.

There was never a year so full of emotion like 2007. I dare say all my life's worth of emotions, troubles, frustrations, horrors and daunting self-discoveries are mostly concentrated in this unfortunate year.

Yet there were good times which, overshadowed by those overpowering troubled times, I failed to appreciate in its full glory, leaving me to lap up the aftertastes desperately as I try to beg good times to stay and not leave me. Good times are few and far between for me nowadays.

2007 was a very very long year for me. Preparation for the O-Levels was sheer hell because escapism was on my mind everyday. If I wasn't so young, if I knew there would be nothing else ahead of me, if I never knew it was a silly thing to do, I'd probably have died and all you people will be forced to realise that I, too, like everyone else, puts on a poker face for every second I am not alone, that I always try to pretend nothing is important, nothing is wrong, everything is well, and I absolutely love to joke, laugh, be dramatic like I seem to be and being all those things even my best and closest friends believed I was.

2007 has broken me down. It has turned me bitter, hard, cold, obsessed with escaping, lazy, tired, emotional, grouchy, violent and sinful. I tried so hard to treat O-Levels as nothing, as a careless trifle, as something that looks daunting but is not actually threatening at all, as something that can wait and I can keep procrastinating. But no. I realise I'm not the one procrastinating. Everything else in this world is. I violently whip and wallop the world around me like a stubborn donkey, but it doesn't do more than continue crawling at this pace. I became bitter when everything was being defiant towards me. No, no, I never tried to be defiant. I turn to being sinful to escape from the defiant world, to another imaginary utopia I can't quite describe. All 7 sins have been committed. Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, Pride, even Lust. No, I'm not a sexpot, I'm just lusting after a lot of things which don't really matter. Closer in definition to greed, but much more... lustful.

I forgot a lot of things this year. I forgot I was fortunate. I forgot I was good. I forgot I was funny. I forgot everything I used to remember about myself. I learn new things about myself, however, that are much more scarier and less wonderful. I liken this to a bad mutation. I mutated into a monster with a very hollow heart. I scream at everyone, but I forgot my purpose for doing so. I turned down anyone who tried to help me, yet at times I yearned for help too, but usually that's when it never comes, or it does come but in a way that actually hurts more.

Maybe I should make a Best/Worst Of 2007 List. More therapeutic.

Start with the bad one then.

2007: The Worst
1. O-levels.
2. Fighting with my parents over priority issues.
3. My perception of many people (whom I love) around me has worsened. I've begun to see less strengths and more flaws in others. It seems so much easier to pick out what's wrong with everybody, even my own family members and close friends,and appreciating what's good about them seems so much harder than before.
4. Work. It's true that I've neither completed nor cared about any piece of homework since early 2006, but I still feel pressured by the workload. I still think it's a lot of work even though I'm not doing any. So the conclusion is, it's a lot of work to not do your work.
5. Discovering people (whom I do not share close relationships with) for who they really are. I used to want to keep respecting others because I felt that there's more to everyone than meets the eye, that everyone must have another dimension the public world doesn't see, but really, what you see is what you get. It's good if these people were good, but no. Not a single ounce of goodness in any of them. All stupid little fucks who think, "When I grow up I wanna be a corporate robot and serve the damn country!!". If you're one of those people, let me tell you the startling truth: You people have NO AMBITION, NO SPINE, NO MIND, NO DEPTH, NO LIFE.

2007: THE BEST
1. Getting over and done with O-levels.
2. Finally having no obligations and commitment whatsoever.
3. Pescatarianism.
4. Rediscovering my love for music and unearthing a new favourite genre - JAZZ.
5. Realising I'm everything the people in point 5 aren't. I have a lot more ambition than I'm letting on. I sure do have a spine. These things you're reading is only a very ery small fraction of my mind. Depth is up to you to judge, but I'm definitely deeper than a baby pool. I have a virtual life on The Sims 2; better than them.
6. Cutting off 70% of my hair. Long hair is a beautiful burden to carry. If you have hair longer than your shoulder blades, I pity you. Poor, poor you.
7. My hamster Vondy! She brings a lot of little happiness to my life. She's like my baby. Really. The week I was in Australia was painful without her around with me. I love you Vondy, 'cause YOU'S DA HAMSTAH.

That's a wrap. Goodbye, 2007!

Or rather...
























































































































FUCK OFF, 2007! I FUCKING HATE YOU! DON'T COME BACK EVER AGAIN, NOT EVEN IN MY DREAMS! YOU ARE ONE FUCKING YEAR I'D FUCKING LIKE TO FORGET, SO THE BEST YOU CAN FUCKING DO IS STOP EXISTING, STOP REPEATING, AND FUCK OFF!!!!!!!





Whew.